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托福作文求批改~最好是有托福作文高分经验的仁兄,

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托福作文求批改~最好是有托福作文高分经验的仁兄,
题目是tpo23的In today’s world,it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
我的作文如下:
It is undeniable that human beings gradually enter an era when life tempo turns to be faster and faster at an accelerated speed.What it means to us is that to utilize the least time and complete the best work.From my point of view,however,people still need to work slowly and carefully solely for the purpose that the assignments can be done perfectly and accurately.
Firstly,to work quickly will reduce the working quality of specific tasks.There has always been a saying,'the most successful task is often finished slowly.' Whatever the time limits are,to ensure the fulfillment of assignments is most elementary principles.If we merely work hurriedly to finish the tasks,we will have trouble putting details into consideration.Nor will we be able to face with abrupt difficulties which have large possibilities occurring during our work.
Secondly,risk making mistakes probably will bring ample benefits.At the same time,nevertheless,the loss for taking such risks may overweigh the advantages.Besides,it is our responsibility to maintain the safety and steadiness of work.I want to take one of my friends' experience as a counterexample.My friend Tony,who is an intelligent young man,once was asked to help keep some money for a while.Believe or not,he suddenly had an idea to put all this money into the stock market.If the stocks' price rise,he will immediately sell them and obtain some benefits.Unfortunately,the situations were not as optimistic as he had expected.Hence,he lost all the money and was blamed for his dishonesty.From what he experienced,we may lead to the conclusion that we should have the obligation to do work with great carefulness.
Additional supportive reasons are as follows.Granted,to work with patience and think deeply allow us to learn and advance at the same time.Undoubtedly,barely can anyone reject current benefits with high quality.The progress and experience,however,should be truly valued and cherished over time.Isn't the ability to gain more benefits more attractive than the immediate merits you can obtain now?
Large and by,with the results of highly honored and awarded,plenty of people tend to work quickly and riskly.However,I keep on insisting that to work slowly and make sure everything is correct leads to the happiest ending.
托福作文求批改~最好是有托福作文高分经验的仁兄,
用“易改”给你检查了下,整体水平不错.语法上有些小错误.
most elementary principles
 If the stocks' price rise,

 
再问: 我也用易改修改过,想知道这个大概可以得多少分啊?还有句子结构和用词如何再加强到excellent的水平呢?