本人明年即将考研,请各位高手看看我写的这篇作文有什么问题,能得多少分?这是今年的考研原题,谢谢!

本人明年即将考研,请各位高手看看我写的这篇作文有什么问题,能得多少分?这是今年的考研原题,谢谢!
Dear president,
I, as a senior studentof our university ,am writing to express in this letter my deepest concernabout the improvement of student’s physical condition and convey my proposalabout it.
First of all, it is well known that jogging in the morning is aeffective way to make our physical condition better. But there exist a commonphenomenon that few students have this habit. I suggest that you could make adiscipline that everyone should jog in the morning at 7:30—8:00 am. Last but notleast, lacking of adequate place maybe is a main factor that we can’t usually playbasketball. If more space could be expanded to build more basketball court,there is no doubt that there will be a lot of students playing basketball .
Thank you for taking time reading my letterand I hope that you will take my suggestions into consideration. Lookingforward to your reply!

Yours Sincerely ,
Li Ming

Dear president,
I,as a senior student of our university ,am writing to express in this letter my deepest concern about the improvement of student’s （students’不止一个学生哦）physical condition and convey my proposalabout it.
1First of all,it is well known that jogging in the morning is a (应该是an)effective way to make our physical condition better.2 But there exist（exists） a common phenomenon that few students have this habit.3 I suggest that you could （suggest当做建议讲时应该用虚拟,所以这里的could应删除） make a discipline that everyone should jog in the morning at 7:30—8:00 am （am就是上午几点,又加上in the morning有点重复,建议保留in the morning和 at 7:30—8:00 am中的一个）.4 Last but not least,lacking of adequate place maybe is a（the） main factor that we can’t usually playbasketball.5 If more space could be expanded to build more basketball court,there is no doubt that there will be a lot of students playing basketball .
Thank you for taking（spending） time reading my letterand I hope that you will take my suggestions into consideration.Lookingforward to your reply!
Yours Sincerely ,
Li Ming
本人觉得整体还不错,希望以后写作时注意下语法错误,写完检查一遍.
关于主体部分,以下都是个人观点,
主体部分的5句话就传递了很多信息,可以看出你语言功底很好,但是也不是句子越长越好,我建议你可以尝试长短句交错使用.1-3句为观点A,1-2句陈述事实,3句提出建议.我的建议是第一句提出问题或陈述事实,用几句解释或表达自己的观点.4-5句为观点B可以再扩展一下.这篇文章写作方式很好,观点A：现象+评论,观点B：因果.写作时注意一个模式：第一句提供问题或陈述事实,后面的内容要支撑第一句.
祝你考研成功!